My Journey and Struggle to Self-Identify as an Artist: First Ever Blog
Welcome to my very first entry into my art journal! I’m Tracey Tang, the artist behind Tangiverse.
My love for art started as a child where I would constantly be curled up in a little orange lounge chair in my room drawing. Night and day, I was obsessed with art. My brother (who is 7 years older) got really into videogames, and he would ask Santa for all the new consoles for Christmas, but I (not understanding the value of anything as a young child), would pen Santa about needing pencils, markers, & paper instead. One year, when I was 10, I got a set of Copic markers… And I never emerged from my bedroom again… JK, that’s not how the story ends, but it IS how a new chapter in my life began… (Now as a mom myself, I realize how lucky my mom was to have so many quiet evenings while her kids dove obsessively into their hobbies LOL!)
As I got a little bit older, I had graduated from the world of Neopets, and became obsessed with an online community called Gaiaonline, where I would trade commissioned avatar art for in game purchases. Oh the agony of drawing, coloring, scanning (the old fashioned way of course), and trying (in vain) to clean up backgrounds on the computer (having no idea what I was doing), still haunts me to this day. I think I have printer PTSD because I literally can’t look at a printer without immediately feeling both anger and exhaustion.
Unfortunately, towards the end of middle school, childhood insecurities finally took their toll. I stopped being obsessed with art. I started noticing that “cool kids” didn’t do or talk about art. Sports teams started becoming more competitive and required a lot more time and commitment. Making friends required way more effort and self-inclusion. In short, art made me feel insecure… which is on me for not being a stronger person. I regret it to this day. I think now about all the hours of art practice I could have had between middle school and when I finally reconnected with art again, but it can’t be helped. That’s my penance lol.
Now, fast forward to me being 25. I am post college, mid pharmacy school Tracey. I am feeling on top of my professional game. The future is bright. I’m a part of every club imaginable. Big bad resume. VV motivated. VV cool. MUchH wow. THEN BOOM! Papa bear was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months to a year to live. My world was shattered, and I stopped finding meaning in the professional accomplishments both present and future that I had worked so hard to try to obtain. Pharmacy became utterly meaningless to me now, as I skipped almost all my classes to stay at home and quietly watch tv with my dad. I was just trying to absorb any and all moments with him while I still could. Remember his humor. His voice. Smell. Anything… I became depressed. I had a well of emotion that was about to spill over. So while we sat in silence on the couch evening after evening, I did what any person would do. I decided to online shop and spend way more money than I had at the time. I bought an IPad. Then, I started using said IPad… I started drawing… and drawing… and like a plug that was pulled out, so did my emotions start to drain out onto the canvas once more…
Dad died. Like the doctors said, he died within the year. I finished Pharmacy school and earned my license. I started working as a pharmacist, but I also began gearing up for the next phase of my life. I took online digital classes nonstop while working, and eventually I stopped working as a full-time pharmacist and got married and had a beautiful baby boy. Life continued. Art continued. Memories continue. Happiness continues.
I am now 33, and although I still have imposter syndrome, it has taken me this long to come to terms that I am, indeed, an artist. That I cannot live without it. It is an integral part of my identity and mental well-being. Life happens, and we cannot control much about it, so we can only choose to live in a way that is meaningful to us.
Sorry if this is a lot of rambling. I’m not sure how this whole journal thing is supposed to go.
Sincerely,
Alan Tang’s daughter